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21st-Nov-2012 08:41 am - worthless

my life is pointless .... 

17th-Nov-2012 06:12 pm - never thought it would happen

well I guess I have a tumor .

15th-Nov-2012 10:37 pm - wow

I cant believe it took me almost 3 years to realize that he is not the one for me at all. like I'm smiling so much right now.  I am finally over him!  it took me a while and a lot of chances to realize it to. 
so today November 15 2012 I am finaly done with his crap.


I was so engulfed in the idea of falling in love in high school that I refused to see the reality of what was happening.  he was just playing a huge game. a huge game that I was once horrible at but now have mastered .


the past couple of years I have put him on a petistle,  making him seem like he was every thing but now I realize how dumb I was.  he was never that good, I was just in love with the idea of him not exactly him. but now I have realized , my vision is now clear and their is nothing in my way. I now am one step closer to success and I am happier.  Truly happier.

15th-Nov-2012 10:16 pm - freshman

freshman year was .... awkward. it was very akward.  I experienced so much in one year.  from teenage lust / love to heart break and depresion . freshman year was a mumble of teenage problems. freshman year just wasn't my year. 
that year I hated my self, I hated everything about my self.  my hair my face my body my life.... I just wanted it all to end


problems at home triggered it all. my mom made me hate myself,  that's weird right a moms supposed to make you feel good about tour self and love and comfort you. mine was not like that at all. instead she hit me and told me I was worthless.  fun right!  no it wasn't at all.  it made me angry not sad angry.  angry that I couldn't have a mother like all my friends.  one that you go to for everything and new she would understand.  a mom that didn't compare you to other children and just loved you for you.  but I didn't have that which triggered my anger.


I didn't know how to control my anger . I tried throwing things or writting but none of it worked.  my only compromise was cutting. cutting made me forget why I was mad /sad. I just fixated on the pain and my worries would temperarly fade away. it felt so right and wrong at the same time. every time I put the blade to my skin I could feel the sensation running through my veins. each piercing of my skin left a warm stream of heat pumping over my body. every time I was finished it was like I was back in my shoes.  it was as if my anger took over and controlled my body. i was surprised on how much my anger could control me and almost ....because i had no control over it. I didn't realize what I did until the scars were formed. until any sudden touch killed .


freshman year had some perks.  I think I really loved Nellie or just had a strong feeling of lust towards him,but it still felt good. he actually helped me get through so many things.  even though he had no idea but he did. they way he made me feel mad me forget about all the crap in my life. when he smiled at me or made me laugh he made me forget about how much I wanted to die. but the thing they made me feel like crap was that he did so much for me and affected my life so much and all I was to him was some random booty call .. I think ( I hope not ) . but we soon ended and I went back to feeling like dying 24/7.


freshman year was very long and painful and pointless.


12th-Nov-2012 01:41 am - lalalove

I feel like you treat me like a piece of crap . you tease me,  you make me laugh,  you put a smile on my face then you leave me hanging.  hanging with wondering thoughts, thoughts of us being together,  being happy ,kissing laughing holding hands cuddling making jokes warm hugs long walks. you make me feel like a piece of crap because I know that we will never be together.  every time were closer to the climax there's a new dilemma a new road block " I'm not ready. I'm to shy .. lets just be friends. "


I thought that maybe i didnt fit your standords or you didn't want me anymore but every time we "stoped talking " you always came back.  why!  why the heck would you come back. there are hundreds of girls that would love to have you so why come back and mess with my head. because at the end all your gana do is give me another excuse on how your not ready then drop me like a tamoly .


mabye I'm just a good game for you.  maybe I keep you interested till you you find something bigger and better to move on too. because that's what of seems like.  I feel like I'm your rebound chick and your before chick.  like recently when A called it off with you not to long after you were working your way back to manipulating my feelings. the only real reason you talk to me is when you can't find another girl


but I'm not gana lie I like your presence . no matter how fake it may be.  I love our late night calls and falling asleep on the phone.  I love how you tease me and how you make me laugh. I love how when I looked up I sometimes find you already looking <3 I love our evil glares and nonsense conversations . I just love the way you make me feel but its all fake? 


I wonder if you do those things with other girls.  if you make them cheese and make them think about you all the time . do you play the same game with other girls? for some odd reason I hope you don't.  I hope that I'm your only player when it comes to that method.  so I could atleast be special on your list of girls .

3rd-Nov-2012 05:13 pm - no life

I'm sitting here thinking and I came upon the thought of the meaning of my life. I have no idea what's the point of my life. I'm not suicidal any more I just can't stop thinking of what purpose do I hold.  I watch the days go by and sit as my life just washes away and I accomplish nothing. 

18th-Sep-2012 11:33 am - Friends..

okay so my whole life I have been surrounded by different groups of friends. yeah I've loved them all but it seems as if every single one of them have smaked me in the face at the end. They all end up moving on and leaving me for no real reason.
  recently I just thought mabye its not all of my lost friends fault mabye its my fault. mabye some how after a long friendship I some how push them away without noticing.  mabye that's it I have a case of the PUSH. if that's so there must be a cure,  a solution to this. I need to stop pushing people away.
  I actually do have a tendency to push people away. that's how I was raised ,push a problem to the side and deal with when it blows up in your face. but I'm gradually moving away from that way of life. I'm trying my best to deal with situations that are right in front of me and not push them away.
  to motivate myself not to push away I remember the mistakes I made in the past: I once had a spontaneous friend Justine.  she was like a legit friend,  she actually understood me and didn't judge me. we were both fashionable , we both had the most obnoxious laughs and we both just always wanted to have a good time.  I swear we were a friendship made in heaven :) I remember we stalked this hot kid that lived in our neighborhood and went to our school. zach jardim man he is fine lol but yeah we baked him cookies once too and told him he had a sexy face. sounds crazy right but with her it was just another normal thing we did... but one day in school she was crying all day and monika had told she was crying.  so when we were getting on the bus I was going to sit and talk to her but she didn't even acknowledge me. I thought mabye because shes not feeling well she doesn't want to talk. work when I got home I hit her up on facebook and asked her what was wrong and if she was okay.  she said nothing was wrong and she was fine. mind you at the same time she posted a status saying something about neediness someone to talk to and not being in a good mood or something like that. and I was like what the hell dude!  after that day we never talked again. I don't understand how it happened.  we used to be so close and did everything together.  dude for her birthday she slept over my house and my mom took use out to dinner.  I don't understand at all were it came from.  but yeah I guess I could have tried to talk to her after that.  but I decided to ignore the problem and I lost one of the coolest beautifulest fashionableist funnest bestest friend I have ever had :(
   so keeping that in the back of my mind I try really hard not to push people and problems away because it always ends up bad.

16th-Sep-2012 11:15 am - what to do with my life
      what to do with my life i dont know were im going and i have no idea were to start. im 15 almost 16 now in 10th grade and i dont know what i want to do with ny life. all my friends want to be doctors or lawyers or vets , and i have no idea. is that a bad thing? is it a bad thing to not have a life goal? i think it is because with out a goal you have no purpose . so i guess i have no purpose in life.
16th-Sep-2012 10:26 am - Did i do the right thing

Dead Fish
        okay so i did something dumb ..... i have a best friend chris.he just came out of a serious relationship.he really loved this girl.but she broke up with him and he was heart broken. i was there for him all through it , i mean thats what best friends do. i love hi so much ,im not in love with him i just love him . but anyways like 4 weeks after the break up he asked me to kiss him out of no where, i agreed to it. then he started talking about us being togethor ect. and loving me and stuff. i dont know what i was thinking i didnt really like him the way that he supposedly liked me. i didnt want to lead any one on exspecialy not my best friend .so i told him that i dont really want to be in a relationship right now , and that it wasnt the best thing for him to get into a relationship after he just got out of a serious one. he seemed to be fine with it but i dont know what hes really feeling.i think i did the right thing.................
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