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15th-Nov-2012 10:16 pm

freshman year was .... awkward. it was very akward.  I experienced so much in one year.  from teenage lust / love to heart break and depresion . freshman year was a mumble of teenage problems. freshman year just wasn't my year. 
that year I hated my self, I hated everything about my self.  my hair my face my body my life.... I just wanted it all to end


problems at home triggered it all. my mom made me hate myself,  that's weird right a moms supposed to make you feel good about tour self and love and comfort you. mine was not like that at all. instead she hit me and told me I was worthless.  fun right!  no it wasn't at all.  it made me angry not sad angry.  angry that I couldn't have a mother like all my friends.  one that you go to for everything and new she would understand.  a mom that didn't compare you to other children and just loved you for you.  but I didn't have that which triggered my anger.


I didn't know how to control my anger . I tried throwing things or writting but none of it worked.  my only compromise was cutting. cutting made me forget why I was mad /sad. I just fixated on the pain and my worries would temperarly fade away. it felt so right and wrong at the same time. every time I put the blade to my skin I could feel the sensation running through my veins. each piercing of my skin left a warm stream of heat pumping over my body. every time I was finished it was like I was back in my shoes.  it was as if my anger took over and controlled my body. i was surprised on how much my anger could control me and almost ....because i had no control over it. I didn't realize what I did until the scars were formed. until any sudden touch killed .


freshman year had some perks.  I think I really loved Nellie or just had a strong feeling of lust towards him,but it still felt good. he actually helped me get through so many things.  even though he had no idea but he did. they way he made me feel mad me forget about all the crap in my life. when he smiled at me or made me laugh he made me forget about how much I wanted to die. but the thing they made me feel like crap was that he did so much for me and affected my life so much and all I was to him was some random booty call .. I think ( I hope not ) . but we soon ended and I went back to feeling like dying 24/7.


freshman year was very long and painful and pointless.


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